Kensington: Day Whatever.

So, my head has been so bad of late that I’ve been unable to look at the computer screen for more than a few minutes, so yay! I’m back. (This was my idea and I’m already failing.)

I haven’t had a lot a big things, because I don’t have a lot of interaction with people. I mean, I go to class and talk to people and I go to work and talk to people. But all the people I know and are sort of friends with here live almost an hour away so its hard to meet up and do anything. There are a few places in town that I could hypothetically go to (like the little coffee shop down the street) and try to meet people (Quest goal here) but I’ve just had lots of bad experiences with that. Bad as in scarred for life. 

Like, I really can’t even talk about what happened some of the times I tried to go out of my shell and talk to new people, and what they ended up doing to me. I start getting panicky and having flashbacks when I try too much and throw myself into new situations with strange people. But I’ve been trying little things. So, yeah. That is another goal to add to the end of the semester. 

But I have been doing a lot of small action, big use of confidence things. Things like setting up a birthday thing for myself. I haven’t had a birthday party (or anything besides just eating out with my family) since I was fourteen. Mostly because of things my “friends” at the time did and how they treated me on that birthday. But I’m at least going to the balcony at the Warren with a few friends, and maybe going to a hockey game the night before. Which is confidence building because I went out and set it all up and asked everyone to come. 

I also have been trying an overall shift in how I communicate. Making myself as clear as possible when I’m trying to speak and communicate. Instead of letting what I feel just fester and saying nothing, I’ve been working on expressing what I’m feeling, what I want, and the things that I think. The hardest thing has been forcing myself to expresses an opposing viewpoint, no matter how trivial the idea. Again, this goes back to my how my dad treated me at home when I was little, and how my teachers and the other kids treated me at school. I wasn’t allowed to express myself, and if it was my dad there was likely to be a violent outburst.  

My auditory dyslexia has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, so I’m having to force myself to not just say “what?” when my brain doesn’t process. Instead I try to say something like “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Say it again?” so that people know I’m not just not paying attention.

Okay, so overall confidence recap:

1) Trying to push myself to accept invitations to socialize and make invitations as well, so that I’m not the sad hermit girl.

2) Make myself try and meet new people and/or go no new places and meet new people. Try to make myself not have a panic attack and sieve up because the people who hurt me are not here anymore and I should be stronger than that. 

3) Change my overall communication style so that I’m not keeping silent just to keep the peace.